| | I haven't wrote in a while. I've always been more prone to writing in my journal when things are going really well, where there are moments I want to cherish. So it's no surprise that with all I've been through that things have tapered off on my xanga.
Don't get me wrong, there are so many moments I have been grateful for, so many aspects of my life that I know I'm lucky to have, like my friendships, my talent, what I've managed to do with my life, and how I was able to come out and settle into a really good open lifestyle so quickly with great new friends to go on the journey with.
But since getting my heart broken a few times this past summer and not having anything happen since, and the recent tragedy of my friend that I was not ready to face, there has been an overshadowing cloud hovering over every good and bad moment the past few months. I'm still digesting everything I guess.
My confidence is just shot, and it's so easy for me to get down on myself. One overwhelming thing that has been depressing me is purely superficial: whether I'm cute enough, or whether I'll ever be able to overcome the fact that most people just aren't into Asian guys, no matter how cute they may be.
50% of my friends dismiss my thoughts on this, the other 50% understand it, or at least try to. Every guy I've dated has dated an Asian guy before. I know it's no way to think, but sometimes I would do anything to just trade places with a white dude and not have that obstacle. Dating and looks shouldn't matter so much, but to me, right now it does. I haven't gotten past a few dates with a guy, and I'd really like to. And not someone I'm settling for.
One of my good friends falls into the half that dismisses my problems. He's white, blue-eyed, black haired, hot. He thinks it's crazy that I think that's why I'm having problems, he wonders what I'm doing wrong. He thinks that I'm totally hot, especially for an asian, not one of those "dumplings", but would he even date me if he didn't know me, if the year of friendship didn't show him my good sides? Just break down that statement and even there you can see the battle that I'm facing.
He showed me a guy he was seeing today and I thought to myself, wow, I could never get a guy like that. And he's dating two right now. His abrasive reactions to my problems make it worse, and then when he talks about his sexual history or dating escapades on top of that, it just makes me feel really down on myself. Yes I know I shouldn't compare, but it's human nature. I can't help it. And I'm gay.
And yes, my feelings towards him do amplify what I'm feeling now. And if all this stuff happened last year when I was excited and dating a guy I was really into, I wouldn't even notice these things; I wouldn't have felt like shit when he texted me how well his date went tonight. But there's history too... when I was at my worst moment this summer, when the only (in my opinion) cute guy that was ever truly into me ditched me for another Asian guy and then two more including my first ever ended up with new Asian boyfriends, he ended my depressed conversation to tell me about his sexual encounter with a hot hung european dude on Fire Island. I couldn't even look him in the eye because of how shitty that story made me feel about my own life, but he was so happy to share the story with me I didn't stop him. So tonight, I just sort of went off on him.
The friends on the other half, the half that understands, when I talk to them it helps. Not so much the other Asian guys who pretty much all understand before I even have to explain. For example, I have a gaysian friend who all we talk about is how our other friends don't or won't understand the battles we face, how much it effects us internally and in a social setting. That just helps by venting, and by not feeling alone or crazy.
What really helps is when someone you don't expect gets it. Recently in a cab one of my white gay friends heard me out, and his reaction surprised me. He never had thought of it, but understood it. He was the one who accidentally told me when he was dating his first Asian (and he's been with A LOT of guys. A LOT), and never had been interested in one before while sounding surprised that he did, indirectly making me feel bad about myself. But it explains how he came to realize what I was saying was valid, because he's experienced it himself, but from the perspective from the other side of the fence.
He thought about my dilemma when he wondered how my dry spell could last this long, and a light bulb hit. "I never thought of it, but you're right. And you're hot, but I can totally see guys having that reaction, they think you're attractive but they're not attracted to you. But you're hot and I'd never think you would have this problem. That really sucks."
Which brings me to the point that this depression isn't that I think I'm ugly, although I do have moments where I feel unattractive every day. It's that I can't help but think if I was the same level of attractiveness as a different race, I'd have a completely different experience, and like the "angry black man," it's just something that's hard to get past even if I should. And I think if more people understood the problem, I wouldn't be so upset about it. It's when it's dismissed that I feel even worse.
It sounds so superficial, but every gay conversation is just so consumed with looks, hookups, dating that this stuff is just really important to me these days. I'm a part of it too, I'm a full participator in that stereotype.
Right now every compliment or glance I get lifts me up a step, but every feeling of rejection makes me forget it and I take two steps back. And I'm doing my best to get past this, to overcome it, to compensate in other ways to make up for me just being this race. Be more charming, more friendly, dress better, be in good shape. Maybe one day I'll even build up the courage to go up to any guy I'm attracted to and say hi, and not have to wonder "but what if he's not into Asians."
Yeah, I think I'll get past this depression eventually and be confident again, but for now it's hard not to dwell on the "smaller" things, such as those gay user profiles that say "Not into Asians, Sorry."
I'll just have to take it one day at a time and hope for the best.
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| | Posted 11/13/2007 12:09 AM - 65 Views - 4 eProps - 3 comments
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